According to South African head honcho Jacob Zuma in an interview with Beeld newspaper last week, Afrikaners need to find their own Nkandla – a place where they can be free to be, well, Dutchmen. He didn’t use that word, perse, but I know that’s what he was thinking of saying…
Um… Uncle Jacob, this might be a bad suggestion. In fact, this might be the worst idea ever.
Remember the last time the Afrikaans tried to take a place for themselves? That place was called South Africa! And they used a system called Apartheid. Maybe telling Afrikaaners to take a piece of last for themselves might be an unwise move, Brah President. I mean, they already have the Bluff. And Oranje. And Bloemfontein. And Griqualand. And Queensburgh. And Queenstown. All of the Free State. At least 90% of Potchefstroom and probably more of Port Elizabeth.
Oh, wait! I get it. Wow. Jacob Zuma is actually a genius. Wow!
Afrikaners do need their own Nkandla – just to get them away from everywhere else. It’s brilliant. If they have their own little homestead in the middle of nowhere (somewhere around Bethlehem, I would suggest) then we wouldn’t have to deal with them ever again. This is clearly what Comrade Jacob is thinking. The man is a genius.
Ah, yes, Afrikaans Nkandla. Of course it wouldn’t be called Nkandla because “no one can are even being pronouce these nuwe Zulu names”. It’ll probably be called “Die Plass” or somefinks laak that.
Afrikaans Nkandla, a place where the Dutchman can be free to shoot farm workers because they look like like dogs coming to eat the cattle. It’s a place where they can be free to mate with their own children. Steve Hofmeyr is king, De La Rey is the anthem and any reference to U2 has been outlawed.
Afrikaans Nkandla, where the Bulls are paraded through town at least twice daily. It’s a place where the boere can just chill and not fear being shot in the face by a struggle song. It’s a place where men can for are be wearing khaki shirt wiff very short shorts. Crocs are officially recognised as being “super kool” and mullets are always in fashion. Die Swaart Gevaar are banned, “ANC” is a swear word and where, according to the NG Kerk preacher, “The Boere will rule until Jesus kom terug”.
Ah, yes, Afrikaans Nkandla. It sounds like such a happy place… Great idea, Brah Jacob. Great idea indeed.
So, this is quite clearly me taking the piss. If you’re offended, good!