Twisted history: King Shaka’s failed jobs

The only known drawing of King Shaka. As far as I can tell, it was taken directly from his on-stage stripping performances.

Everyone knows the story of King Shaka, the famous Zulu warrior who led the nation to become one of the most powerful – wait, no, the most powerful – in southern Africa. His military tactics are respected worldwide and have been imitated time and time again in battle.

But even Shaka had to start somewhere. No one gets it right on their first job. Think about it. It takes a few jobs and positions to finally know what you want to do – and the skills you learn along the way help you to become good at that job.

Shaka was no different. These are some of the jobs Shaka did before becomming a warrior:

* Stripper – If you ever went to that famous strip club The King’s Princesses you might have spotted the male stripping main attraction. He was amazingly built, exceptionally well hung and as appealing as a Zulu maiden at the Reed Dance. He was “Shakalicious” – or “S-dawg” to the regulars.

* Rubbish collector – Wearing his Solid Waste issue orange loin cloth, Shaka “The Bin Man” Zulu was a favourite among local refuse collectors. His charm and charisma had the community in constant awe as he carried away the bin bags and aminal carcasses, all the while the sweat glistening off his muscular back. From this job he learnt to throw heavy things neatly into a pile, which he used when getting rid of the bodies after battles.

Shakalicious... attracting more British maidens that warm beer and cucunber sandwiches

* Driving instructor – “Shaka’s ox-wagon skills supreme” was the most popular driving school throughout the south eastern parts of South Africa. Could he teach you to drive a ox wagon? Of course! A cow? Yep. Could he teach you to mount a horse? Indeed – and he could teach you to ride one, too.

* Insurance salesman – Shaka was so smooth he could sell an assegai to a armless man; a saddle to a dead horse; and sunscreen to the Brits. Okay, maybe that last one was easy, but you get the point. These skills he would later transfer to battle, where he could convince them to risk death and run into oncoming bullets. After all, their families would be covered to the tune of 18 000 cattle and four goats in the event of a death.

It was his final job that was the most crucial to his success.

* Songwriter – If it wasn’t for that “bom bom bom bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom / bom bom bom bom-bom bom-bom bom-bom” he would never have been as awesome as he was. Fact.

Do you know any of King Shaka’s other failed jobs? Let me know on matthew.savides@gmail.com and I’ll publish the best/funniest/cleverest ones.

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