Animal attacks! Animals 2 – 0 Humans (and maybe we can put out a hit list)

George Owell's classic is coming to life!

There is something very Animal Farm going on in the world at the moment. Animals are on the attack. It’s only a matter of time before the world is over-run by beasts and humans are targetted and slaughtered one at a time.

No, this is not some bizarre B-grade spoof horror movie (although it would make for a spectacular one). The above hypothesis is based on articles that appeared in one particular Durban newspaper over the past 10 days or so – and, no, that newspaper is not the Daily Sun, where animal attacks make for regular reading.

The fox: he laughs as he shoots you with a rifle.

In the Daily News on January 10, this story ran on page one:

MOSCOW: A wounded fox shot its would-be killer in Belarus by pulling the trigger on the hunter’s gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle, media reported yesterday.
The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region.
“The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw,” one prosecutor was quoted as saying.
Fox-hunting is popular in the picturesque farming region of north-western Belarus which borders Poland. – Reuters

Two chicken play-fight as they limber up to attack the humans in the background.

So you might thinking that this is a one-off. Wrong. Today – this very morning – another Daily News landed on my desk. Again on page one is the story of an animal attack. This time, it was a chicken.

LONDON: A cockfighting rooster appears to have taken deadly revenge on its trainer for forcing it back into the ring too soon.
The bird is said to have attacked owner Singrai Soren and slit his throat with razor blades he had attached to its legs.
Villagers in Mohanpur, |West Bengal, were warned not to approach what police described as “an unknown rooster with black and red feathers”.
One of the dead man’s friends, known only as Dasai, said: “The rooster tried to get away from the ring, but Soren pushed it into the ring repeatedly.
“This upset it and it attacked Soren,” Dasai said.
Roosters are usually given a break of at least an hour before taking on another opponent.
“Most masters are satisfied with the cash reward of £28 (R312) for every fight and a dead opponent to feast on,” Dasai added.
“But Soren wanted the rooster to go to the ring |within a few minutes of its first fight and that is when it got upset.”
Officers want to find the bird to strip it of the razor blades it used to kill. But they believe their chances are slim.
They think the rooster is being kept by a rival trainer keen to put it back in the ring. – Daily Mail

So there you have it, folks. Animals are starting to attack. People are going down!

When this happens – notice the “when”, not “if” – I think the beasts should give us some say in the matter. I mean, after all, it was us who trained them to use weapons, without which their uprising would never have been able to happen (there is something very CIA vs America vs Osama in this whole analogy). They should allow us to start a hit list. You know, people we want taken out first.

This would be so much better if Bieber was being carried off to his doom and destruction by a gang of angry dolphins

Here’s my list:

– Miley Cyrus. A rabid monkey (ironic, because that’s how her voice sounds on the latest album) should jump through her window and strangle her with an old banana. Then that same monkey can take her Hillbilly dad out as he plays Achey Breaky Heart on his banjo. The mom can live, because she had the sense to get out of that inbred family by cheating – the only time cheating on a spouse has ever been condoned by all that is moral and good.

– Justin Bieber. Any man – oops, wait, sorry. I mean, any BOY who sings about giving a girl a ring when he is like 15 deserves death. Also, he has a nail polish line. And he’s writing an autobiography at age 16. A book??? What, will this be a pop-up book, or a colour by numbers book? I’d love to see a horse jumping Bieber from behind as he sings and prances about on stage.

– Bruno Mars. I think a hoard of angry rhino would be deserving for him. After all, he is willing to die for you, isn’t he?

– George W Bush. The relative of a mutilated Afghan camel injured during the US bombing will gladly perform this hit.

– The Hiltons. All of them, especially Paris. It would be lovely if an angry goat jumped up from under a bridge and peeled her face off.

– The cast of High School Musical. They deserve to die.

Let me know who you think deserves an animal attack and why. Email matthew.savides@gmail.com

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