So Uncle Jacob has just finished making the January 8 Satement, essentially the ANC’s birthday statement and the president saying what he would like to see happening this year. It’s not particularly fascinating, to be honest.
In fact, never has one man bored so many so effortlessly at one time.
If I was his speech writer I would have made him entertaining. This is what I would have written:
Hello People of Mzansi,
What a lovely day here at the One Settler, One Bullet Stadium. If only England could have got one shot off during the World Cup, it might have been different. Oh well… Thanks for coming to my birthday, I appreciate it. Well, not my birthday, but this organisation is mine, so I’ll claim it. Thank you. Ngiyabonga. Dankie. Aweh.
Later we’ll have cake. It’s good cake. Delicious cake. Not as delicious as that girl in the front row… Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. What? You’re not a girl? Sorry. Do you have a sister?
Back to the cake. Sorry. It’s good cake. So good, actually, that we have 12 soldiers here to look after it. Crime is bad here, ne. We need special protection for the cake. The soldiers were on crime patrol in Gugulethu, but we thought the cake was more important. Yes, the cake is that good.
Okay, so what’s going to happen in 2010. For the Durban people, I promise there will be weather this year – so at least you’ll have a lot to talk about.
Apart from that, I’m actually not sure what will happen this year… Hahaha. Just joking. ((Note: smile broadly here, Jacob. The girls will love it!))
This will be the year of job creation – as it is every year. At least we have seven years of knowing how NOT to do it, so people can’t say we haven’t learnt anything. If we can’t create new jobs, we will have people killed to open up their positions. Our police are good at killing people, so we can just use the already existing skills. Hawu, journalist in the front row, you know I’m joking… Bheki, I am joking, okay baba.
Okay, I’m bored now. Going home to my wives now – all of them. Because that’s how I roll.
That’s what Jacob should have said…