This blog is inspired by my girlfriend, Megan, who spotted an advert for the Daily Sun the other day. The tabloid title – the biggest daily in the country – is looking for a news editor. I wonder what qualifications/requirements the incumbant might need… Hmm…
VACANCY: NEWS EDITOR
The incumbant will be required to:
– use excessive numbers of exclaimation marks;
– accurately use CAPITAL letters in the middle of sentences;
– accurately differentiate between various spiritual/mythical beings, especially when images of these beings are sent to the newsdesk;
– ignore facts that might get in the way of a good story;
– re-write copy to make it entertaining, lively, gripping and no longer capable of winning any journalistic prizes;
– beat any journalist with a sjambok if their copy does not include at least one of the following: sex, death, tokoloshe (or any other mythical being), broken houses, a bullet, male or female sexual organs;
– report to the editor directly, calling him Baas;
– write billboards and posters that will jointly intrigue and cause car crashes as the drivers piss themselves laughing, and
– show an intense dislike for white people, especially if that witou’s name is Helen or if their surname is Zille – or if they belong to that bastard idiotic Democratic Alliance party.
The incumbant must also:
– have a valid South African identity document (we hate amaKwereKwere);
– the ability to pronouce the word ‘elbow’ in isiZulu;
– a legal drivers’ licence – because chasing after the tokoloshe requires long drives to Limpopo;
– proof of at least one encounter with an alien, tokoloshe, poltergeist or ghost;
– evidence of having witnessed or been involved in the sexual molestation of a goat (or any other beast);
– been to school, even if it is only Grade 5; and
– absolutely no moral inclination for the truth.
The ability to swear excessively in at least three of the official languages will also come in handy, as will the ownership of shoes. If you sleep with your bed on bricks – and can prove it – your chances of employment are greatly improved.