Odd Jobs: What the celebrities should never do

So you thought that George W Bush as President was the worst job placement ever? Or maybe Jacob Zuma as head of the moral regeneration programme was worse? You would be right, but they’re not as bad as these celebrity job misplacements:

Mel Gibson – anger management consultant

Yeah, Mel “I hate Jews, women and just about everything” Gibson is the most calm, placid, gentle human being in the world – if, of course, by “calm, placid, gentle” you mean “absolutely mental, irate and ridiculous”. Having him as a anger management consultant would be like having the Rwandan rebels as peace-keeping advisors.

Lindsay Lohan – alcohol and drug abuse counsellor

Lindsanity, what an appropriate nickname. She’s got more drugs in her system than that elephant I saw some game rangers trying to sedate on TV the other night. And, man, was that elephant high. Actually she might work as an alcohol and drug abuse counsellor: children won’t want to look even remotely like her and will kick their habits. She can be the poster girl for the “drugs make me ugly” campaign. Might work…

Tiger Woods – relationship advice expert

I could make a pun here about Tiger Woods playing 18 holes without his wife knowing, but that would be too easy. And gross. But quite funny, though. Mr Woods giving relationship advice? That’s going to be as helpful as taking a pea shooter to a knife dual with an angry Palestinian who’s high on tik.

Lady Gaga – girl guide leader

Can you picture the girl guide uniforms under Crazy Gaga’s leadership? They’ll have lobsters under their armpits, disco balls as head wear, fire suits cut into skirts and sliver painted wooden clogs on their feet. You know, because there is nothing like a hike in the woods wearing weird stuff.

Marilyn Manson – pastor

Maybe it’s just me, but burning crosses while preaching the virtues of “The Lord’s My Sheppard” might not go down that well with church-goers. The pale face, weird ass body and what-the-hell-died-on-your-head haircut are probably not great, either. But, hey, you never know…

Queen Elizabeth II – pole dancing instructor

“Queen Elizabeth” does sound like it could be a stripper-slash-pole dancer name, but maybe Queenie shouldn’t be involving herself in such things. It might mean she gets on better with Harry’s chick and William’s squeeze, so maybe it’s not a bad idea. I just don’t think Teazers would buy into it, though.

George Michael – driving instructor

So George “Wham! Into a Wall” Michael drove his car into a shop in London at the beginning of July. I believe this is how the conversation went…

Police: “George, you know you drove into a building, right?”

George: “What? No I didn’t.”

Police: “There are manniquins all around, George. And clothes and stuff.”

George: “Oh, shit.”

Okay, so maybe it didn’t go like that, but it could have. Maybe him teaching a three-point turn is a bad idea.

Perez Hilton – boot camp instructor

Nothing says “march on, solider!” like an overly over-the-top boot camp instructor. Perez Hilton might like a boy in uniform, but I’m not so sure he’s the one I would take to Iraw for “Operation Get Oil And Balls Up Another Country”. He gets shot at, but the sniper misses. Perez jumps up, pink hair clearly visible, and says: “Heeey! You missed. Lol.” He’s dead now.

Austrian Catholic Priest – pre-school teacher

Is it really necessary to go into detail on this one? Almost every week there are stories about priests doing dodgy things to children. Mainly boy children. It’s weird. So having a priest teaching way under-age children is not a good idea – especially if he was teaching his version of human biology. Let’s just say: I will never send my kid to an Austrian Catholic school. Ever.

Got any other suggestions? Let me know: matthew.savides@gmail.com. The best (if any actually come in) will be posted in the week – and if you have a blog, it will get punted as well.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s