Odd Jobs: Paris Hilton, the teacher

I’ve said this before: you can’t protect people from their own stupidity. Case-in-point is Paris Hilton’s comment that she wants to be a teacher. I wrote about this for the Sunday Tribune’s Sunday Magazine, and it’s reprinted here for your amusement. Enjoy.

Oh, Paris. Paris, Paris, Paris… Really? Another drug bust?

Paris, a teacher?

Yeah, so the handbag containing the cocaine wasn’t yours. Therefore, the narcotic wasn’t yours. I get it. This sounds remarkably like that one time, in Port Elizabeth, during the World Cup, when you and a friend were arrested for possession of dagga. It wasn’t yours, though, so that’s okay – yeah, even the judge said so.

It was also like that other time when you were arrested for driving under the influence. But that wasn’t… Oh, wait, it actually was you and you spent some time in jail for it. Sorry, my bad.

Oh, Paris. Paris, Paris, Paris… You’ve done some silly things, haven’t you? You’ve said some equally silly things as well. In fact, you actually do and say a large number of silly things.

This is the one I heard from the South African version of Heat magazine: that you want to become a teacher? Really? A teacher?

I feel sorry for children in South Africa at the moment, what with this nasty strike business going on and them being forced to miss school. But I would feel even more sorry for them if you were teaching them. Honestly, I would. Actually, I think that they would be better off not being at school.

Children at school. They'll be better off on strike than with Paris as a teacher.

This is what http://www.heat.co.za quoted you as saying: “I have basically done everything but if I wasn’t in the position I am in now I would love to be a nursery school teacher because I love kids.”

Nursery school? Really? Trying to get into their heads early, are you? Actually, come to think of it, maybe this is the best idea because people with the ability to spell might actually be able to correct the errors you’ll undoubtedly teach them. Remember while on “safari” in South Africa during the World Cup, when you said you’d spotted some tigers? I remember that. I laughed – loud. And I laughed at you, Paris, not with you. Sorry, but it’s true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you corrected it later. They were leopards, but you did spell that wrong.

You also said that there were a family of five “elaphants” just a few feet away. Again, there are some spelling issues there.

On Twitter you also like the phrase “loves it”. Now, forgive me, but isn’t that grammatically incorrect when speaking about yourself in the first person? I would’ve thought that “love it” was more appropriate.

Call me a grammar Nazi, but I do happen to think that things like spelling and grammar are important when teaching children, especially young children like, say, I don’t know, nursery school children. Those are the ones you want to teach, aren’t they?

Stewie Griffin, he knows how to treat Paris Hilton - with a certain finger raised.

Children also need to be taught about healthy living and the dangers of drugs and such. Maybe you’re not the best person to be doing this. Jus’ sayin’.

When all is said and done, the fact of the matter is this: no one really cares. Well, they do – but they shouldn’t. It’s like a train wreck, no one wants to look at it but you just can’t tear yourself away. I can tear myself away, Paris, for the sake of the children.

As a profile for Family Guy character Stewie Griffinn said on Twitter: “Paris Hilton arrested ? for cocaine. Okay No one gives a fu*k ..”

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