There’s a competition going on. It’s a battle in the upper realms of society. It’s a fight for prestige, for pride. It’s a competition between two presidents.
The announcer steps up, grabs the microphone and says in his typical booming voice. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble! In the red corner is the current leader of South Africa, Jacob ‘Umshini wami’ Zuma. In the blue corner, his opponent, Nelson ‘The Icon’ Mandela.”
What, you ask, are these men fighting about? It’s not about ANC policy. It’s not about leadership ability. It’s not even about who dislikes the DA more. It’s simply about children – and who has more of them.
News broke today that Zuma’s wife Nompumelelo “MaNtuli” Zuma gave birth last week to a little boy (disclaimer: it’s not 100% certain that the kid is JZ’s). It comes just a few days after a lady claimed to be a Madiba love child (disclaimer 2: this is not the first time such a claim has been made).
This means JZ’s up to about 21 children, and we’re not quite sure how many Madiba might have… I can just imagine how the pre-fight press conference would go.
JZ: “Bring me my family tree. I will show you that the policy is to have many children. I will win.”
Madiba: “Never again, Jacob. Never again shall anyone say that you have more laities than me.”
JZ: “Tata Madiba, look at me. I’m fertile. I am strong. I can make many children for you. Bring me my wife. Let me show you.”
Madiba: “Jacob, listen here. I am 92 years old. 92, Jacob, 92. And there are still children coming out of the closet. Wait, wait. Not the closet. The woodwork. Haha, woodwork; that always makes me think of Julius.”
JZ: “Haha. Julius. What a tool.”
Madiba: “True. You know, Jacob, you’re not so bad. Maybe our children should team up and defeat Julius. We’ll make a real youth league.”
JZ: (rubbing his hands together with glee) “I like the way you think. Bring me another a women, I’ll increase the membership right now.”
Madiba: “Nice one, Jacob. High 5.”