Johannes “Mullet” Le Roux was a peaceful man, except when brandy was involved. His corporate-up-front-but-party-in-the-back hairdo was the stuff of legend, and was his 21 track CD contining one song on repeat. That song? “Eye of the Tiger”, made famous by Rocky, in one of the many movies that bore his name.
So when Panjo the tiger escaped from a bakkie on the East Rand (and, yes, this did actually happen. A tiger did escape on the East Rand), his life would change for ever – not the tiger’s, Johannes’s. For, you see, Johannes was of the firm belief that because he came from a long line of racist Boer soldiers, he could take on pretty much anything. A tiger. On the East Rand. This sounds like a job for Mullet Man!
Off he went, clad in blue tights and red speedo to capture the savage beast. He had saved the pictures of Panjo (apparently these were needed because there is more than one tiger running around. Imagine it: “Ooh, look, I found the tiger. No, never mind, that’s not Panjo. It’s stripes aren’t the same.” Honestly. You don’t need to post pictures of a missing tiger. Everyone will be able to identify it. Retards.). He had a whole chicken in his hands and a large stick because he was told that he should feed Panjo the chicken and then point the stick at him and say “No” in order to make it listen and calm the hell down. It sounds like a tough ask, but had did once tame a Bluff-born girl who lived in Brakpan. He could do it – especially dressed as Mullet Man.
Figuring that Panjo liked chicken, he started at the one place known for it’s chicken: Nando’s. No, people, not KFC, because Panjo was a white tiger… Off he went to the Brakpan Nando’s and, lo and behold, there was Panjo. Sitting at a table. Eating a half chicken, mild, with chips. With a knife and fork.
He crept up. Slowly. Stealthily. He was ready for anything. He jumped in to make the catch! He wrestled the creature to the ground, got it under control and tied it up. He would be a hero! Johannes “Mullet” Le Roux flipped the tiger around onto its back. But what he saw shocked him. It wasn’t Panjo! It was his best mate Marthinus van Marthuizen, dressed like a tiger. Apparently his girlfriend likes the stripped look.
Yeah, only on the East Rand.