There’s a new oracle in town – but it’s equally retarded

Oh, great, all-knowing Octi. Please let me know who I should place my R150 000 on for this Sunday World Cup final. Form, talent, skill and training aren’t enough. I need your help, great Octi, to know who will win.

Paul the Oracle Octopus predicts a German win over England in the World Cup. I think most 3-year-olds could have done the same, given how badly England were playing. But, hey, who am I to bash the all-knocking octoped?

This should a little rediculous, doesn’t it? Please putting their faith – and their money – in the hands, um, sorry, tenticles, of some stupid animal. “But, it’s gotten even result right so far,” you might argue. I would respond: “You are an idiot. Animals are not oracles, okay. Not even oracles are really oracles. Stop being rediculous.”

But still people are turing to Paul the Orcale Octopus. Never mind what former world champions are saying, it’s Paul who knows the result for Sunday’s final between Spain and Netherlands. It’s not the coaches, the players or the experts. Nope, it’s a flipping octopus. So what if it got six results right in a row? Either way, it’s a 50/50 choice between the two boxes of food. So, depending on which muscle the octopus decides looks yummier, that’s the team that will win – not really scientific, or oracle-ific, is it? Let me answer that: nope, it’s not.

Yep the oracle animal trend continues to grow. Paul now has a rival. Yep, an octopus in Cape Town named Jabulani. He has made his first ever prediction, using the same scientifically sound method Paul does – chosing food from one of two boxes. Jabulani chose Spain to win on Sunday, so did Paul. There we have it, then, put your huge amounts of money on Spain.

There's a new oracle in town. Mani the parakeet, who predicted that Netherlands would beat Spain on Sunday. Paul the Octopus predicted Spain. Can you feel the pressure?

Wait! Wait, wait wait… Don’t put all your money on Spain. If you believe that birds are better than fish, you might want to listen to the wise super-powers of Mani, a parakeet in Singapore who can all tell World Cup results. He’s picked the Dutch to emerge victorious.

According to news agency AP, this is what happens: Mani comes out of his small wooden cage and chooses between two white cards, which hides the flag of the two teams. He grabs the card and turns it over, revealing which team will win. Again, perfectly scientific…

His owner, M. Muniyappan, claimed Mani accurately forecast the World Cup’s four quarterfinal games and Spain’s semifinal victory over Germany. “He’s a special bird,” Muniyappan said. (And you’re a special kind of person for believing any of this.)

So, in whom do we put our trust? One of these creatues will be wrong and be proven as a fraud. Oh, no, I can’t decide!

South Africa has its own oracle octopus now, Jabulani. I have no idea what it looks like, but I guess it's something like this.

Ah, wait a minute, I actually can. The team that plays the most consistant, possession-minded soccer will win on Sunday. That team is likely to be Spain. But don’t listen to me, I’m not an octopus.

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