Matthew’s Practical Advice – Part 1

I’m not one to generally offer advice, mainly because my advice is generally poor and gets people into trouble. People often come to me and ask my opinion – which I’m happy to give out – but then ignore it quite swiftly. And good for them! As I said, my advice is generally poor and gets people into trouble. I know this.

However, every now and then I have some pretty good ideas and come up with some more-than-decent suggestions. Sadly, though, because my advice is normally quite crap, people don’t listen and, therefore, miss out on bits of information that could save their lives. Okay, well, maybe not save their lives, but certainly ensure they have warm showers in the morning…

The purpose of this post – the first of many on this blog – is to share some of the bits of information that I’ve learnt over the past week or so. Take it or leave it. It’s your choice. But you might have a cold shower as a result.

Here begins “Matthew’s Practical Advice”:

Tip #1: When coming home from a sports event, no matter how gutted or elated you are at the result, make sure you do normal household thing, like turn on the gyser. If you don’t, you won’t get a warm shower in the morning.

This comes from my experience after watching Ghana eliminated from the World Cup by Uruguay on Friday. I was really sad (heartbroken, in fact) and forgot to switch the geyser on as I came home. I woke up the next morning and tried to get ready for a wedding, but there was no hot water. My stupidity, I know.

Tip #2: When having a rant about something, don’t make the same mistakes or do the same thing that you are ranting about. Yes, irony is very funny, but it makes you look silly.

This one comes from a Facebook post a week ago, ranting about people making spelling mistakes and grammar errors in their status updates. But in this rant, there were grammar errors aplenty. Oh, how I laughed. So, yes, please don’t make these mistakes. You look like a chop – and then people point and laugh at you.

Tip #3: Do not hang around with people who smoke weed at public places, including, for example, the Port Elizabeth soccer stadium before a World Cup match. You might just get arrested.

Ah, yes, Paris Hilton. Hanging around with stoners. Taken to court and questioned by police, but finally the charges were dropped. Her mate, however, was politely told to piss off out of the country within 14 days. Ah, yes, Paris Hilton. What a chop.

Paris Hilton at the 2010 MTV MA's... She got bust with Jennifer Rovero smoking pot at the PE stadium, but somehow her charges were dropped... PR stunt.

Jennifer Rovero, Paris Hilton's dope head friend, who got bust at the PE Stadium. What a tart!

Tip #4: Don’t count out the German soccer team. ‘Nuf said.

Anyone who read about Adolf “Look At The Dodgy Catepiller On My Top Lip” Hitler will know that even the most rediculous ideas can, if people are determined enough, can work. Much so with the soccer team of the country he once ruled. They’re young, inexperienced, have a goalkeeper who hadn’t played for Germany much, and looked as if they’d be outclassed on a number of occasions. But it has not been the case. They steamrolled Australia, England and Argentina.

The moral of the story: Never count out the Germans. Ever.

Tip #5: Don’t arrange to be on night shift on the day of a World Cup quarter-final. Especially if, for example, you work for the Sunday Tribune newspaper and you’re the only reporter on duty and, therefore, have to watch alone with free coffee.

The moral of this story: just take leave. Don’t watch World Cup games alone in the Sunday Tribune office. It’s boring. Yes, there is free coffee, but it’s kak free coffee.

So, that brings me to the end of my advice for today. There will be more to come. Maybe. It all depends on whether I get any more bright ideas. Probably not. Hope you learnt something today, children.

Rock on,


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